PornoPants, Episode 3

The best thing about wearing triathlon shorts in public is that you’re almost always too knackered to care how ridiculous you look. This was my third outing in the pants of power, and despite all my strings of social fibre straining to get some baggy boardshorts on, I made it round the course in a respectable 63rd place. Despite my perma-white upper thighs and lanky frame, I wasn’t the funniest looking specimen on display (though some may disagree!)- I saw at least 7 pairs of Speedos mincing around the course, some of which had a matching crop-top type vest to go with them. Seriously. What benefit can having a three quarter length vest top on give you? Does it stop your belly from over heating? While on the run, with my legs and lungs feeling like they were about to explode, I don’t recall thinking, ‘oh my stomach really is a bit sweaty’. As for cycling in Speedos, on a knife-like carbon saddle, there really is no need.

After the race I noticed another slightly worrying tri-phenomenon. I was showering in the sports centre and three quarters of the guys in there were almost entirely hair free. It was quite unsettling. I appreciate there’s a fine line between noticing and staring when in a communal shower, but Ive never before been in the presence of so many hairless Back Sack and Cracks. Sure, it makes some sense to shave your legs if youre cycling every day (no that I do) but surely there’s a limit to the benefit that can be gained by having a hairless B, S and C? Perhaps its not a triathlon thing, and Ive just lost touch (whey-hey!) with the current culture of modern male cleanliness. It seems fairly common among some friends to trim ‘down there’ but this was more than a bit of national trust forest maintenace- this was complete amazionian deforestation. Some of the guys were completely hair free, as in ‘bald round the front’-? I’m not sure of the correct expression. This really was strange, and although I had the hair, I didn’t have the balls to ask the guy why.