Oh. (Dumped)

Oh.

Still no news from LEA. No text. No message. I hate myself for doing so, but I check her Facebook. She is definitely back, its full of loads of shit updates. Whats going on?

I email her at lunchtime, ‘Hey! Are you back?’

She replies, ‘Yeah’

Nothing else. One word. Not even a full stop.

Oh.

This is not good.

I don’t reply.

The afternoon passes.

I walk home, and decide to go up round the Hoe. I pass a bench looking out over the sea and sit down to think. I look to my right and see another bench. I suddenly get a memory. That bench, this location, has some history. It’s the bench I sat on about 9 years ago, under what feels like similar circumstances, when I had just split with my Uni girlfriend. At this moment (well, lets not lie, about 1 minute after id set off again) I get the text.

'Blah blah blah are you free for a chat blah blah blah blah I'm finding more than friends weird and holiday made me realise that. Don’t want to loose you as a friend thou blah blah blah blah'

Oh.

So that’s it.

My mind whirrs. I'm gutted, but it’s some sort of relief to know at least. My brain kicks out these thoughts, in this order, over the next 5 minutes:

1. Does that mean she’s shacked up with some cunt on her holiday?
2. What am I going to do with the tickets I bought for us to go and see Tim Minchin on Sunday?
3. I cringe at the thought of sending her a FaceBook message while she was on holiday saying that I missed her loads.
4. What / How has (this) gone wrong in such a short space of time?
5. I don’t think I want to be friends with her. Ive seen a different side and cant go back.

I get home. I decide to run away from the problem. I run for 2 hours. I did 1¾ hours yesterday, so I’ve just set a new record for the most running I’ve ever done in 2 days – about 30 miles.

I feel more angry than distraught.

But I still cry a little bit.

My thoughts sway between two schools. The ageing 3-belt champion idea is to call her up and launch into her; tell her she shouldn’t be so fickle, shouldn’t fuck about with peoples feelings, and should have told me before she went on holiday. But this is not me. The undefeated young challenger idea is to try and rise above it – we were good friends once - we've got lots of mutual friends. Maybe, probably, in a week or two ill be grateful for doing so if I bite my lip now. I decide to not reply and let things set in for a day or two.

Then I get home and change my mind. I think I should send her a text or else she might call me and I don’t really want to speak to her. At first I write:

‘WTF?! Youre so weird. You shouldnt fuck about with peoples feelings’

But during typing it the predictive text only found ‘duck’ instead of ‘fuck’ and as I was trying to solve it the screen suddenly said ‘Sending Message.’

Panic!

I press every button on the phone 34 times in one second and thank fuck it cancelled the sending. Phew. I’m not sure what LEA would have made of ‘you shouldn’t duck’ Maybe she would have taken it as a threat – ‘don’t you fucking duck bitch when I shoot at you!’ - Or maybe not. I think back to when I finished with the Twin and got a blank text through; I guess she wasn’t quite so lucky with the cancelling.

Having read the text back it sounded a bit jovial, a bit matter of fact. I want her to know she has hurt, but I don’t want to write an essay. I change it to;

‘Oh. Understood. I am gutted. You shouldnt be so fickle with peoples hearts’

No Reply.

Good.

Now I'm in my room listening to Damien Rice and Arcade Fire, typing this. I made some freezer bolognaise but cant eat it. I try to phone my mum (she doesn’t know about LEA) as it would be nice to have a chat about nothing in particular, but she is engaged for three tries.

Oh.

Without wanting to sound too fickle myself, I’m looking forward to ‘Amazon’ tonight more than ever. Ive heard that they go to Manaus in one episode, the city I stayed in for 6 weeks last year.

I hope AnnE and DPsyc are not downstairs as Ill have to tell them and it will be rubbish.

Dumped.

Oh.

The Saturday night twins

I arrived back in Bristol on Saturday morning and then set off to watch Gloucester clinch top spot in the Premiership with a win over Bristol at Ashton gate. After the game I get back to my folks’ house at about 6. I’m tired, and very hungry but happy after an enjoyable afternoon. I consider going up the local fish and chip shop, but then I decide that I can’t face the small but significant amount of effort it would take to put my shoes on and go outside.

A thirty minute power-nap later and Im searching in a giant chest freezer for something to eat. Im deep into the frozen products, maybe a foot and a half under the recently added top layer. This is nearly permafrost down here and I struggle to scrape the ice off each box and read what it is. I finally find something to go with the chips and peas found half way through this frozen transect, but the fish fingers look like they might be from the 1980’s. On the box Captain Birdseye looks like a fresh faced twenty-five year old.

Later on and I’m out in Bristol for a birthday celebration. We’re sat in the White Lion in Clifton village which has a beer garden (though they probably call it an outdoor terrace in these posh parts) that has a cool view of the Clifton Suspension Bridge. It’s a picture postcard scene, and with the garden heater warming my back I’m almost completely over the fact that it was £6.90 for a pint and a Corona.

A friend of a friend is out, along with her twin sister. I find it strange that I don’t find Twin 2 anywhere near as attractive as Twin 1. They’re identical, but there is just something about T1 that T2 the other hasn’t got. This interests me. Could it be the familiarity? (I’ve met T1 before, but not T2). Or fashion sense? (they’re not identically dressed and T1’s legs do look good in her leggins) Or smell? (Ive not consciously smelt either, but I bet somewhere in my brain I know what they both smell like). Maybe it’s this ‘chemistry’ thing people mention but never satisfactorily explain? Or perhaps my looks assessment is being affected by the fact that I thought T2 was a bit stupid after speaking to her.

Later on I meet T1’s boyfriend, who also seems a bit stupid and I wish he was with T2 instead. He doesn’t want to come to the club, but T2 is up for it. T1 eventually decides to accompany her sister to the regular Bristol nightclub, and leaves her boyfriend in a huff. For the time being T1 seems happier now she’s away from the boyfriend and we have a good chat. She insists I give her a piggyback across some cobbles on the way and as we enter the club my mind is racing. Then after being inside for about two and a half minutes they decide they’re leaving as someone (the boyfriend, I think, but not sure) is upset.

Another friend who is normally really composed looses the plot. She was chatting to her ex-boyfriend and she saw his female housemate getting upset while she was talking to him. Now my friend and the other girl are both crying and its time to get home. I don’t think ill ever understand female minds, and there’s no way Ill ever make sense of a female who has been drinking.

Good night though.