Oh no you didn't...

Ive never met a normal cat, but nevertheless I feel obliged to start this post with the information that JD is a strange cat. For a few weeks after he arrived he didn't even emerge from Catwoman's room when anyone was in the lounge. He was so scared by a sneeze, or a reach forward to pick up your drink, or a laugh, that I was amazed that he hadn't died of some stress related meltdown. Once I set the smoke alarm off twice in one night and he avoided me for a week.

Then he began to accept us. He'd allow me to stroke his back, play fetch with his little cotton ball, and eventually he'd come out looking for attention from me. This was more like the behaviour I was expecting. Cats are fine to have around the house, but I don't like their attitude at all. They're like 'oh give me a stroke, give me some food, give me a stroke' and then they fuck off and have a sleep. The girls go, 'oh isn't he so cute (when he buggers off after you've been serving him on hand and foot for an hour) and I'm like 'he's such a freeloader'- he never gives anything back apart from the occasional unprovoked scratch.

This morning I was heading downstairs for brekkie and I passed Doug who was on his way back up- carrying his breakfast with him.

'Oh have you seen the little present JD has left us in the lounge?'

'No, what....(mind ticks over- I know what a present is)...no he hasn't!'

'Yeah right on the sofa cushion'

Doug had been eating breakfast, wondering what the smell was for 10 minutes before realising the irregular brown pile of stuff on the cushion over from him was a cat log of epic proportions. JD really had dropped the kids off, released a trilogy, laid a brick etc etc. It was a jaguar sized log, not really anywhere near the small house cat size it should have been. No longer scared of his own tail, the meek cat had turned into the sort of monster who can shit on your sofa and then come out with a 'give me a stroke will ya' meow.

I stood their looking for a while, laughing a bit, marvelling a the size, saying stuff like 'JD what have you done?!' when I began wondering why Doug (and presumably everyone before him) had left it there on the sofa in all its glory. Surely it remaining in the house was not a good way of getting the smell to clear? They really are muppets. I carefully picked up the cusion and got it outside. I tipped/poured most of the solid/semi-solid into the bin, unzipped the cushion cover and removed the inner. It was bright white on the outside but had a circular core of bright yellow, which went all the way through. It looked a bit like a giant sweet, but smelt like the death of a relative. I wasnt sure what the next step was in cat shit decontamiation (I dont really want to put anything with shit on in the washing machine, do I? so I left the evidence to dry outside.

It was quite funny as far as cat shit in the lounge can be, but Im remaining firm on my stance that cats are not a good pet.